Build up the tension until nearly the end then make something explode

Eddie returned in some considerable distress, scrambling over the fence. "I need to sit down,' he said, a dear friend of mine has died.' 'Oh goodness,' I say, 'who was it?' 'It was Barry Cryer,' said Eddie. 'I feel absolutely bereft. He was just always there, cackling and dispensing anecdotes. You could phone him at any hour of the day or night and he'd regale you with his memories of Charlie Carioili, whoever he is. I don't think he actually ever knew himself.' I tell Eddie he is wrong, and Google Barry Cryer, at the time of writing is very much alive. 'Bah,' he says, pushing my tablet aside in disbelief. 'That's just some writing on a screen. It's no evidence of anything. Poor Barry, I don't know how the world of entertainment is supposed to go on without him. He writes everything, you know, even the news. Question Time, it's all him. No one actually knows how to be spontaneous. And the after-dinner

Eddie hasn't been for a while.  I'm not sure where he is. Presumably he attended Mass today.  I haven't been able to tell him how much the children like to listen to Peter and the Wolf and the Nutcracker. I hope he is pleased that they actually like classical music, it is not a case of mummy making them listening to it. Today I am listening to the Inheritance Tracks of Judith Kerr,

I admit to Eddie that I'm not that worried ​about the possibility of fox hunting coming back. 'Well,' he replies, 'I doubt if the average fox cares much whether you get torn to shreds by a pack of dogs or not. But presumably the reason you think this is because you like to think of yourself as superior to a fox.' I change the subject  and ask what Eddie thought of last Saturday's edition of Doctor Who. 'No idea,' says Eddie. 'Haven't seen it. I've got better things to do with my time than watch television.' I describe the plot as best I can then hesitate. Would he be offended by some of the comments about religion in it? 'Why would I be?' I try and think.... 'Doctor Who says something about religion being designed to confuse the uninitiated.' Eddie shrugs. 'Religion does confuse the uninitiated. I can understand the uninitiated thinking it's designed to confuse them. It's the sort of thing they'd th

Mum emails, describing her sorrow at seeing a baby thrush torn apart by rooks. I know she will be reached with empathy for the little thrush and its parents, who had to watch it torn apart in front of them. I tell this to Eddie, a vegetarian and member of the RSPCA for over sixty years, expecting him to react in the same way, but he stands there stony faced. 'In its defence,' says Eddie, 'the rook is a rook.' I tell him Mum is no mushyhead, she knows to expect this sort of thing. Her email goes on to remind me that this is nature red in tooth and claw.  She goes on to discuss where the quotation comes from (Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam) Eddie interrupts. You're an English graduate aren't you? Shouldn't you already know that? I change the subject rapidly. This isn't something anyone needs to talk about. 'There was a good radio play​ based on In Memoriam a few years ago.... well I say radio play, it was just David Bamber readin

Eddie stands in kitchen as I prepare dinner, describing in detail the living conditions of the pig I am cooking and the most likely methods used to kill it.  To distract from this I ask him what he thinks of today's edition of The News Quiz (I couldn have just asked him what someone who stands around smoking in someone else's kitchen has the right to berate me but somehow whenever he is around, the thought of a time when people routinely smoked at work, in restaurants, on trains and buses and even while watching TV in hospital doesn't seem that distant.") He needs some updating on who is Prime Minister. He refers to the PM repeatedly as "he" and I have to tell him that the post is currently being filled by a woman. 'Oh she's back, is she?' he interrupts. 'Oh goodness... Not again. Not that I mind who is Prime Minister, it's not my job to have a preference, but those dreadful skits she used to do with the actors from  Yes Minister, and c

Getting any kind of political comment out of Eddie is extraordinarily difficult. Tell him there is about to be an election and his only reaction is to groan loudly at the thought of how much bad television there will be as a result. (" Politicians are incredibly bad at being on television. It's very hard to educate, inform and entertain, but it's equally hard to keep talking for as long as they do without doing any of these things.") I ask him if he is living in the old people's home. He shakes his head. "No, I refuse to go into one. I don't want to be undressed by a nurse. Its thoroughly depressing when the only person who wants to see one naked has to be paid to do so.