Best Endeavours

I arrive home excitedly singing the theme tune to Channel Four news.

Eddie isn't impressed. He doesn't need to say anything for me to know this.

'They aren't going to privatise it!' I cry. 'They aren't going to sell it!' After a long pause I add 'yet.'

'What would it do worse if they did?'

I sign. 'I know you've never liked the idea of Channel Four...'
'How can you have public service broadcasting with adverts? Educate, inform and entertain.... but interrupt every ten minutes to say whatever your paymasters tell you to whether it's in the viewers' interest or not? All these yoghurt adverts.... What is behind this explosion of yoghurt? People never used to eat it. Channel Four's probably only there to keep yoghurt manufacturers happy.'

I can never work out what Eddie has against Channel Four. He's always been quite happy to work for ITV. He's always been quite happy to work for anyone who will pay him.

'And the toilet seat adverts! "Do you know there are more germs on your kitchen table than on your toilet seat?" Oh my goodness, should I change my mind as to which I should be eating off?' And the disinfectant adverts.... You can't make honest programmes about science, or about health, or cleanliness, or anything, if you've got to urge people to keep doing things in your sponsors interest rather than their own.'

But Queer as Folk, I say. Skins. Channel Four news. Cucumber. Spaced. Drop the Dead Donkey.

'I don't actually know what any of the things you mention are,' says Eddie. Like Noel Coward he is not one for watching television. 'Well I imagine Channel Four news is news but on Channel Four. The rest is a complete blank.'

Embarrassedly I say 'I'm hoping Channel Four will come here.'

'To this house?'

'No,' I say. 'To Birmingham.' Neither the BBC or ITV have treated Birmingham all that well of late.

'You'd put out the primary-coloured bunting out for them?'

'Well no,' said I.... probably because I can't imagine myself getting it together to do anything as active as that. 'My husband will be pleased.'

'Will he?

'Well... I told him Channel Four might move to Birmingham and he said he thought he liked the idea.'

'"Might." I like the optimism. They'll probably cram it into a shed in Salford with the other two. Your husband will enjoy complaining about how badly the Government has treated Birmingham when that happens.'